This story is from August 17, 2006

Emotional security can kill passion!

Mumbai Mirror / Updated: Jun 2, 2023, 20:30 IST

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It is a common complaint. However amorous they may have been in the first few years of the relationship, after a while the passion fizzles out.

Itis a common complaint for many couples. However amorous they may have been inthe first few years of the relationship, after a while the passion fizzlesout.

Now researchers have provided anexplanation. Apparently, a women's libido starts to wane as soon as she feelssure she has got her man.
Scientists believe thedifferent sex drives of men and women result from the way humans evolved.Theysay a man needs to maintain a high sex drive to ensure he is not cuckolded byanother male.
But a woman'schief concern is establishing a 'pair bond' to create a secure future forherself and her offspring.
Scientists have found thatafter four years in a relationship, fewer than half of women say they want tomake love regularly.
Incontrast, men's sexual desire remains just as strong regardless of how long theyhave been with their partner.
The study also showed thatwomen's desire for tenderness remained constant over the years. Around 90 percent said they wanted tenderness from their partners, regardless of their ageand length of relationship.
Bycontrast only a quarter of 30-year-old men who had been in a relationship forten years said they were still seeking tenderness from their partner.
The study by researchers atHamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany is reported in the journal Human Nature.
Dr Dietrich Klusmann studiedmore than 500 people aged 30 or 45 to find out how their libido had changed overthe course of their relationship.
To measure sexual motivation,each person had to say whether they agreed with the statements 'I wanted to havesex more often than my partner,' 'I was rarely in the mood for sex,' and 'Iinitiated the most recent sexual act.'
Based on animal behaviour, hesaid it would be expected that men's desire levels would stay the same whilewomen's would tail off.
Womenare motivated by the need to form a 'pair bond'. Once this is safelyestablished, a woman may be less interested in making love often as it couldincrease the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
Dr Klusmann found that, aspredicted, within a year of a relationship starting female sex drive suffered asharp decline.
Nearlytwo-thirds of those aged 30 said they wanted sex often at the start of therelationship, but after four years this had dropped to half.
Among women aged 45, more thanseven in ten of those who had been in a relationship for one year wanted to makelove frequently. But after 25 years this had plummeted to one in five.
Among men, as time went bytheir sex drive fell only slightly. Even after 16 years together more than sevenin ten still wanted to make love often.
The study also showed thatliving apart did to some extent keep women's sex drive higher, confirming theidea that 'absence makes the heart growfonder'.
EXPERTSPEAK
One of the most commonproblems in married couples is sexual incompatibility. In most cases, the trendleans towards the declining sexual appetite of the woman after a few years ofbeing in the relationship/ marriage. The man, on the other hand, does not sufferany such problem and is left asking for more from the relationship. PsychologistDr Seema Hingorrany explains the issue and suggests some tips to deal with theproblem.
I counseled a couplea few months back, where the 28-year-old girl, after three years of marriage hadsuddenly become sexually inactive. There were no compatibility issues betweenthe the husband and the wife. And the husband, after putting up with her excusesfor months, finally told her that they either undergo counseling or getdivorced. After speaking to them I realised that the root of the problem was heremotional security. She claimed that holding hands with her husband, taking awalk on the beach with him or holding and hugging him was better than havingsex. She had started feeling this way after she found herself to be emotionallysecure in the relationship.
This is not an isolated case,however. The fact is that women are more emotionally driven. For women, issueslike emotional security and stability matter more than sex and physicalintimacy. Men, on the other hand, have a higher sexual appetite, which does notdip, even after years of being in a relationship. This is why a pattern ofmarital problems after four to five years of marriage can be seen. And in mostcases, compatibility is not a relevant issue.
Many women lose their sexdrive after child birth. This happens because the child becomes the source ofemotional satisfaction and the women stop paying attention to their partners.This can harm the relationship tremendously, since the stress of childbirthaffects both the partners and lack of sexual activity can worsen the situation.
Whatever be the case, couplesfaced with such problems need to be counseled. The woman needs to be made awareof the importance of sex in a relationship. They need to be made aware thatunless they share a good sex life, they might lose their man. The man, on hispart, also needs to understand the importance of emotional security and bondingfor awoman.
Thingsto remember:
• Ifcompatibility is not an issue, and you still haven't shared a sexualrelationship for months, seek professionalhelp
• Spend timetogether — this helps emotionally as well as sexually
• Talk to each other.Spend time understanding each other'sneeds
• Do things whichyou both enjoy — share hobbies and havefun
• Take a break— take a vacation together to break the monotony
• If you have a problemwith your partner, let them be the first one toknow
• Do not allowyourself to succumb tostress
• Have sexregularly — not having sex for months together can lead tohypochondria.

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